5 Ways to Lose a Roommate

By Amanda King on February 27, 2013

A common part of the college experience is to live with one or more roommates in the same dorm/apartment. Much of the time, it is not difficult to co-habitate with others once certain rules are established. Some are obvious: clean up after yourself, no walking naked through the living room, don’t blast music at 2 a.m on a weekday, etc. Others can be more subtle, like respecting the other’s space or not hogging the shower.

There are other times where certain types of people were never meant to live together. Best friends can make the mistake of living together because they get along all the time. Why not live together? Those little quirks that may be easy to tolerate outside of the home can become an all too present irritation that can make a person want to rip the other person’s face off.

For pure amusement’s sake, here are five ways to lose a roommate. (None of these are meant for use in real life.)

1.) Bring in questionable romantic partners and have liasons in the living room/shared area.

When the roommate is tucked into their couch and crunching away as they watch movies, it is the perfect time to strike. Bring over a man or woman you would never ordinarily consider. One, for instance, that you found near a dumpster. Proceed to have an intense love session by the roommate. Accentuate the session with overly enthusiastic moaning.

2.) Make a small doll that looks like your roommate. Carry the doll around with you while petting its head and saying “my precious.”

Also, when you carry around the doll in front of the roommate and they do something you don’t like, take a pin and slowly put it in the doll.

3.) Take up an annoying hobby.

For instance, join a yoga practice that requires mediation several times daily with loud gongs. Or take up woodcarving. Make sure to practice your craft at early morning hours. Nothing says “Good Morning!” like a band saw.

4.)Home grow your own vegetables indoors.

Take over the entire shared area with hothouse lighting and garden beds. Play classical music and nature sounds at all hours of the day. Make sure to water the plants by hand and talk to them like they are your babies.

5.) Pretend to run a drug ring.

Burn questionable-looking herbs and arrange the room to look like a drug taking setup. Loudly argue on the phone with your “suppliers,” and tell your roommate not to answer the door for any big angry looking people. Also, tell them that if anyone stops by to ask for you, you are not home.

Remember, these are not meant to be used seriously. If you are involved in a conflict with your roommate, try to talk it out. More than likely, the issue is a misunderstanding. If your dreaded roommate does anything on this list, then it may be time to move out yourself.

Good luck and Godspeed.

 

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